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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26264668">I Hate You, I Love You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_wing19/pseuds/dark_wing19'>dark_wing19</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Katekyou Hitman Reborn!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Drama, Friendship/Love, Mild Language, Reader-Insert, Songfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:47:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,144</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26264668</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_wing19/pseuds/dark_wing19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I'll start hating only if you make me.<br/><br/>Reader x TYL!Gokudera<br/>TYL!Yamamoto x Reader (implied)<br/><br/>Recipient: Caraina<br/>Prompt: How often do we play these games?<br/>Written for the April 2018 Fic Trade</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Hate You, I Love You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I remember this taking me a little bit to write--and post if my memory serves me correctly. I kept having crashes left and right with my word processor. But overall, I still liked how it came out! I kind of half tempted to rewrite this into a chaptered series--or st the very least do a chaptered series to go along with this story. Let me know what you think. Original song is "I Hate I, I Love U" by Gnash.<br/><br/>Inspiration music:<a href="http://www.infinitelooper.com/?v=s8yPsMyxdCc">"I Hate U, I Love U" cover</a><br/><br/>Disclaimer: I do not own KHR, the reader, the original song, nor the cover. The only thing I can lay claim to is the plot of this story.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    <i>Feeling used but I'm still missing you</i>
  </b>
</p><p>You chew on your peppermint gum thoughtfully as you watch the scene in the Vongola gardens. Gokudera is chatting with a petite blonde—no doubt trying to charm the girl with overly dramatic compliments. Meanwhile, the girl is just politely listening to Gokudera's rambling, offering a smile and laugh at a particularly funny part. Occasionally, she tries to stifle a laugh with one hand while the other playfully taps Gokudera on the shoulder. Of course, his response to such mannerisms is to continue doing it, eliciting more of a response from the girl.</p><p>You recognize the girl as one of Ryohei's subordinates—a Sun flame user. If you recall correctly, her name is Sylvia and is a timid little thing that always has very little to say. Honestly, the only reason you know anything at all about her is because Ryohei tends to dote on the girl. You have a hunch that it's more his brotherly instincts that want to protect the innocence that Sylvia represents rather than the girl's actual abilities, but Ryohei seems to differ. On multiple occasions, you've warned him about being professional and not showing favoritism for his subordinates, but he always claims that you're overreacting.</p><p>Whatever. </p><p>Not your circus, not your monkeys.</p><p>But still, that begs to ask the question of why Gokudera seems to have taken an interest in her. He hadn't shown any interest in her before, regardless of how many times both of you had to sit and listen to Ryohei's long spiel about how talented and “extreme” Sylvia is. So why now?</p><p>Movement in your peripheral pulls you from your thoughts, and you find yourself once again watching their interaction in the gardens. Sylvia is leaning against one of the stone archways that leads to the rose garden, though all you can really see is the back half of her side profile. She's facing away from you and toward Gokudera, who you see in perfect view. You're certain that if he would just glance up, he would see you watching them. </p><p>But he won't. He never does.</p><p>Gokudera has a perfectly groomed, red rose in his hand that he ever so carefully gives to Sylvia. Though you can't see her face, you can imagine what her features are like. Probably a shy smile, accentuated by a pink blush dusting across her face. You see her head slightly bob down—no doubt leaning to smell the delicate treasure in her hands. Her movement causes her blonde hair to fall like a veil along her ear and cheek. Gokudera lifts his hand and gently brushes her golden veil back behind her ear so he can get a view once more of her face.</p><p>“Gently” is a word rarely associated with Gokudera.</p><p>Your heart twinges at the sight. In all the years you've known the bomber, not once could you recall ever associating Gokudera's actions or words to you as “gentle.” Sure, he's shown you kindness on occasion since high school, but nothing that could be called “gentle.” The Gokudera you know is always resolute about his actions and words and has the ever-changing temper of the Storm. It's baffling how the same man that's arrogant and crass to you is the same one that's gentle and hesitant with a girl that meek. </p><p>Distinctly, you hear footsteps making their way down the empty hallway toward you, accompanied by the chatter of the only youths in the mansion—Lambo and I-Pin. Though you aren't doing anything particularly wrong, you figure it wouldn't be a good idea for the two of them to catch you staring. I-Pin you could trust to not start any ridiculous rumors, but Lambo...well he's a different story entirely. You push yourself away from the window frame and take two steps forward before you're stopped by Lambo calling out to you.</p><p>“Oi, (y/n). What are you doing here? I thought you were out on patrols.”</p><p>You quirk an eyebrow and look over your shoulder at the young Lightening Guardian. “I just got back. Why aren't you in lessons like you're supposed to be? I don't recall telling Reborn or Tsuna that you were pardoned from your lessons just because I was on patrol.” </p><p>Lambo laughs sheepishly and rubs the back of his head. I-Pin only groans and rubs her temples with her fingers. Sometimes you really pity the girl. She's a studious student and attentive to detail from what you gather. Even so...sometimes you have to wonder about the choices she makes for company...</p><p>Then again, you are one to talk.</p><p>“I take it that means you ran away from Reborn—again--and are skipping out,” you say, turning your body toward the two instead of having a conversation over your shoulder. “Honestly, I can't really say I'm surprised. The only reason you're probably still roaming around scratch free is because Reborn is annoyed with you. But hey, it was either Reborn's Spartan training or Yamamoto's baseball training.” </p><p>You visibly see Lambo's face pale. </p><p>“Yeah, I kinda felt that way, too.”</p><p>Though, you are a little irritated yourself that Reborn abandoned Lambo's training so easily. You know that the hitman can't stand Lambo, but this is a crucial time for him to learn the basics that everyone else learned at his age. Granted, the boy has been in the mafia all his life, but he's also been <i>babied</i> all his life by Tsuna and the other guardians. Surprisingly, both Tsuna and Reborn agree with you that Lambo needs to be trained to claim his rightful place as the Lightening Guardian.</p><p>Unfortunately, that job falls to you. </p><p>After all, you're the only one that can really stand the kid and have enough patience to train him.</p><p>You sigh and shake your head lightly. “Well, now that I'm back, your lessons will resume as normal.”</p><p>“Yes ma'am!” Lambo says with a mock salute, earning a little chuckle out of you. Despite how much lip Lambo gives the others, he's actually enthusiastic about learning and being proactive.</p><p>“Hey, isn't that Gokudera?” I-Pin quires, glancing out the window you were previously perched against. That's all it takes before Lambo is latched to the window as well. </p><p>“Stupidera? Where?” </p><p>You ignore Lambo's decade-old insult and glance out the widow as well, attempting to be discrete. </p><p>“What's he--” I-Pin cuts off as a light shade of pink dusts her face. Your gaze hardens on the sight, and you can see why I-Pin would be caught off guard by the scene. Gokudera has Sylvia pressed against the stone archway, one hand wrapped around her waist while the other is tangled in her hair. The two of them are completely oblivious to the world as they share intimate kisses with each other. </p><p>You feel another jab in your chest.</p><p>“Oi, (y/n), I thought you and Gokudera were--”</p><p>“Wrong. You thought wrong.” </p><p>You effectively cut off Lambo's sentence before he can finish. Even though the two of them are kids, they are <i>observant</i> kids. You don't need them prying into your relationship with Gokudera. Some things are better left alone. You are still licking your wounds, so to speak.</p><p>You tear your gaze away from the window once more, regretting you even bothered to look in the first place.</p><p>“(Y/n)?” I-Pin questions, furrowing her eyebrows in worry. Immediately, you turn in the opposite direction and begin walking away.</p><p>“I have to report back to Tsuna. I'll see you two later. Don't be late for lessons in the morning, Lambo,” you say in a cool tone, not once glancing back at the two. Lambo and I-Pin share a glance that speaks volumes to their curiosity but are hesitant to ask one another. Deciding to leave the matter alone for now, both teens turn back the way they came.</p><p>
  <b>
    <i>It hurts me every time I see you<br/>
Realize how much I need you</i>
  </b>
</p><p>You don't know how you find yourself in this predicament—actually scratch that. You <i>do</i> know how you find yourself in this predicament. The reason being named Ryohei and his need for drinking buddies. Well, not exactly. Honestly, you're uncertain how it progressed from a few buddies drinking sake around the table shooting the shit to everyone going out to a high end club. You find yourself wedged between Haru and Yamamoto in a round booth in the VIP section of the club. Aside from the group of you that went to high school together, there are only a few other members at your table. All of them you are familiar with and have talked to from time to time. Well, all except one.</p><p>
  <i>Her.</i>
</p><p>As luck would have it, Sylvia is perched across the table from you, right next to Gokudera. You would curse your luck if you hadn't already done so a thousand times earlier. Despite this not being the typical atmosphere that you would associate with Sylvia's demeanor, she seems to fit in just fine with the crowd, albeit more quiet than the rest of the rowdy bunch. It reminds you of the time when Kyoko and Haru were first introduced to clubs. They were timid, but this bunch had no problem warming them up to the atmosphere. </p><p>You try your hardest to avert your gaze to anywhere that isn't across the table. In reality, this shouldn't be bothering you as much as it does. You're the one that realized too late your feelings for him. All it took was a few drunken nights together to realize what your heart had been telling you for years.</p><p>That you want him.</p><p>You need him.</p><p>You love him.</p><p>Never in your life did you think that it would hurt so much to see Gokudera on the arm of another woman. Sure, in the past he had a few flings, but nothing that gave him that look in his eye. Nothing that ever calmed down the ever-raging storm within him. The ache in your chest almost matches the burning in your throat from your drink. You turn to listen to whatever extravagant thing Haru seems so excited about but instantly find that you can't focus. You can't get the image of Sylvia pressed against Gokudera out of your head. </p><p>You let out what you think is a quiet sigh, but your other neighbor seems to have heard it.</p><p>“You okay?” Yamamoto asks in a quiet voice, just loud enough for you to hear but quiet enough not to attract attention. </p><p>“Mmm, I'm fine. Just bored,” you say flatly, trying to keep your expression at just that—bored. You would rather keep people thinking you were bored rather than heartbroken. </p><p>“I think I'm gonna go dance. I've been itching to get moving. Mind getting up right quick, so I can slide out?” you say, finishing off the last of your drink. Yamamoto easily agrees and stands up from his seat.</p><p>“I'm gonna go dance for a bit. You guys are boring~” you say playfully, loud enough for everyone to hear. That elicits a light chuckle from Tsuna and an unintelligible outburst from the older Sasagawa. </p><p>You offer a smile and stand up, not bothering to look in the direction of the couple. You straighten your slightly askew, emerald halter-top and take a few steps forward, your ankle boots clicking against the hardwood floor. For once, you're glad you chose to wear pants instead of a dress or skirt to the club. Sliding out of a circular booth in either of those choices isn't exactly a fun experience. You start to turn away from the table but pause when an idea strikes you</p><p>“Hey, Takeshi?” you say and turn to face the swordsman. He is already sitting in his spot once more but gives you his attention regardless.</p><p>“Yes?” </p><p>“Come dance with me,” you say with a bright smile and outstretched hand. </p><p>You notice that his eyebrows raise as he quickly glances from you, to Gokudera, and then resting once more on you. There's a sudden dull in conversation around the table that you try your hardest to ignore. To the average person, this really isn't something to cause an uproar about. It's just a dance. But you understand the severity of it and almost wish you could retract your offer.</p><p>Gokudera is your usual dance partner.</p><p>It's a rarity that you ever ask anyone else to dance. </p><p>But given the current circumstances...</p><p>You feel something shift at that point. It's not that there is anything physically wrong, per say. It's a feeling of unbridled electricity surging through your veins; a deep-rooted feeling that settles like a rock in the pit of your stomach; a feeling of red-white heat pulsing in your chest. You fight the urge to scream and cry and throw a fit right there in the VIP room. The feeling you have within you is a concoction of loathing and regret. It's asinine to believe that things can be normal when things are clearly not.</p><p>You hate it.</p><p>You hate the two of them sitting there, staring.</p><p>You hate the questioning glances you're getting from your comrades.</p><p>Most of all, you hate yourself for ever loving him in the first place.</p><p>Though only ten seconds have passed, it feels like ten minutes. Just as you're about to return your hand to your side and leave, Yamamoto engulfs your hand in his.</p><p>“Sure. I'll dance with you,” Yamamoto responds cheerfully, instantly turning the awkward atmosphere back to normal. You smile brightly and give Yamamoto's hand a squeeze as you practically drag him out of the room. You ignore the gazes glued to your back. With any luck, they will all get drunk and forget about the whole thing.</p><p>
  <b>
    <i>I hate you, I love you<br/>
I hate that I love you</i>
  </b>
</p><p>“Are you freaking kidding me?” Lambo exclaims, his jaw practically hitting the floor.</p><p>“Nope. I'm dead serious. This will be your training today,” you say coolly as you lean against the training room wall. The layout of the room is a simple one. There are four tractor tires placed in a row on one side of the room with a line of yellow tape signifying the beginning line. Fifty meters across the room is a red line of tape signifying the finish line. </p><p>“And what's this training supposed to do for me again?” Lambo asks incredulously. He's beginning to doubt the methods to your madness. </p><p>“It's to test your strength, endurance, patience, and problem solving skills. Your objective is simply to get these four tractor tires to the other side of the room,” you reiterate for the second time. </p><p>“That's impossible! No one can do that!” Lambo exclaims, turning his gaze from the training room back to you.</p><p>“No, it's not. All of us did it when we were your age. Ryohei, Takeshi, Hayato, myself, and even Tsuna did this same exercise—and completed it.” Although your experience with this particular training exercise wasn't as laid back as what you presented to Lambo. After all, Reborn had made the lot of you move the tires across a football field laced with landmines. At least Lambo has the safety of nothing exploding on him.</p><p>“This is insane!”</p><p>“Not really. There could be bombs hidden across the floor that explode with even the slightest of movements.”</p><p>“WHAT?!”</p><p>“Nothing,” you comment nonchalantly. “You're fine. The only thing you have to worry about is getting those four tires across the training room. Nothing else. You have as much time as you need to complete this exercise, but don't blame me if you miss your date with I-Pin.”</p><p>“(Y/n)!”</p><p>You laugh at Lambo's outburst and don't miss the bright red that flashes across his face. He turns away from you to hide his embarrassment and investigate the tires. You make yourself comfortable on a nearby bench and watch the boy struggle for a few moments. At first, he tries to pull the tire across the ground, strain evident on his face as he makes the mere progress of a meter. He then tries to push the tire, resulting in only a few more meters of progress. He attempts to alternate between pushing and pulling the tire until after an hour of effort, he manages to get his first tire across the red line.</p><p>“S-success,” Lambo manages to say between pants. </p><p>“You know, you're going to end up hurting yourself if you insist on moving the remaining three tires the same way,” you advise, observing Lambo's hunched over state. </p><p>“Well, I don't see...any other way to do it...so what do you suggest?” </p><p>“Ah, now if I told you that then this wouldn't be a problem solving exercise, now would it?” you reply with a grin, causing the boy to drop his head in defeat.</p><p>In actuality when Reborn had told the lot of you about this exercise back in high school, it was just a strength exercise. Reborn hinted at flipping the tires across the field until you made it to the end. But when Reborn added in the landmines...it became a problem solving exercise. So while the boys decided to flip the tires across the field and attempt to dodge landmines, you rolled it across.</p><p>After all, Reborn had only told you to get the tire across the field. </p><p>Which is exactly why you aren't going to advise Lambo on how to get the tires across the room. He needs to think outside the box.</p><p>You watch Lambo as he pitifully attempts to move tire number two the same way as the first. Though he struggles, he manages to get the second tire across after another hour. You wince at his hunched posture and begin to take pity on the boy. Maybe you could offer a little hint to make him think. </p><p>“Lambo.” Your voice pulls the boy's attention from the tire to you. “Take a step back and think for a moment. What would make moving those tires easier?”</p><p>“To not have to,” is his smart response. You settle an annoyed glare at the boy, clearly showing your disapproval for his answer.</p><p>“Try again.”</p><p>“I don't know. Have something blow up underneath the tire to send it rocketing across the room?”</p><p>Now he's just making up answers to get on your nerves.</p><p>“You really are a stupid cow.”</p><p>You look to the doorway and find Gokudera leaning against the door frame. It isn't uncommon for Gokudera to stop in and see how Lambo's training is going. Though the bomber always denies it, he has a small soft spot for the boy.</p><p>“No I'm not! You're the one that's stupid, Stupidera!” Lambo retorts, seemingly full of energy once more. </p><p>You roll your eyes at his lame response.</p><p>“Tch, even I figured out within five minutes that you're supposed to flip the damn tires, not drag them. Idiot,” Gokudera says cheekily. He feels a heated stare coming from his side, so he turns to find you glaring at him. “What?”</p><p>“Thanks. Thanks a lot. That was the problem solving part of this exercise. He was supposed to figure that out on his own,” you say with a frown. </p><p>“Oh come on. He's been at it for two hours now and still hasn't figured it out. He needed some kind of damn help.”</p><p>“But that's the problem, Hayato!” you exclaim, standing up and fully facing the bomber. “Everyone is always helping Lambo and doing things for him, so he never has to think for himself! The whole purpose of training him is for him to learn to do things on his own! How do you expect him to be a good mafioso if he's always being handed the answers and babied all the time?”</p><p>“H-hey, I'm not that useless,” Lambo chimes in meekly.</p><p>“Shut up!” Both you and Gokudera exclaim at the same time. </p><p>“How do you expect him to learn anything if you always go at this slow of a pace? We didn't have the luxury of taking our time during our training,” Gokudera fires back.</p><p>“No, we didn't, but he does. We had people coming after us left and right, so we never had the time to understand our lessons. I'm trying to teach him, not kill him!” you retort angrily.</p><p>“Hey, guys--”</p><p>“That's probably the only way the brat is going to learn,” Gokudera scoffs.</p><p>“Ugh, whatever. If you're so unhappy with my methods of teaching, then why don't you teach him?” </p><p>“Uh, guys?”</p><p>“What?!” both you and Gokudera shout in unison. Lambo points past the two of you to the doorway. Both of you turn to find Yamamoto staring at the two of you with an arched eyebrow. </p><p>“Uh, Tsuna was looking for you,” Yamamoto replies, a bit hesitant at interrupting your argument.</p><p>“Then why didn't you say so sooner?” Gokudera says, effectively ending the quarrel between the two of you and walks out the door. Yamamoto moves to the side to let the bomber pass.</p><p>“What was that all about? Haven't heard the two of you arguing for a while,” Yamamoto asks.</p><p>“Nothing. He seems to disagree with my training methods for Lambo. Though, I don't really see him offering to train him, either.” </p><p>“Ah. That's Gokudera for you,” Yamamoto says with a cheeky smile. “But anyway, I better catch up to him before he starts yelling at me, too. Good luck with the training!” </p><p>“Pff. Yeah. Sure. Even though it's already ruined,” you mumble to yourself and walk over to Lambo. </p><p>Once again, Lambo has a curious look on his face, but he's hesitant to say anything. You ignore his questioning glance and begin explaining the process of flipping the tires. Just as you suspect, it doesn't take Lambo long to get the concept and has the remaining two tires across the room in no time. As you watch Lambo's progress, you can't help but think back to your argument with Gokudera. </p><p>Arguments with Gokudera aren't as common now as they used to be. Back in high school, the two of you argued about everything from what to eat for lunch to whether or not UMAs were real. When the two of you first met, you couldn't stand each other. But after a while, you found those arguments kind of cute and amusing. You missed those days when everything was more carefree, and your only worries were surviving Reborn's Spartan training and passing your next exam. </p><p>Ah, how you miss those days. </p><p>“Hey, are you alright?” Lambo asks in a quiet voice.</p><p>“I'm fine. Just fine.”</p><p>
  <b>
    <i>Do you miss me like I miss you?</i>
  </b>
</p><p>You can't sleep. Not that the notion is anything new to you. As of the past few months, you have developed a case of insomnia. Despite training yourself throughout the day, you find yourself unable to fall asleep at night. Okay, so maybe part of that is a lie. Your body is physically tired, but you mentally can't will yourself to sleep. You don't have terrible dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night or anything like that. You know that you should probably go talk to Shamal about it and get the proper medication you need to go to sleep, but you don't. Personally, you avoid the medical wing at all possible costs. </p><p>You have had more than your share of the perverted doctor to last you a lifetime. </p><p>Heaving a heavy sigh, you get out of bed and get dressed. Granted, getting dressed consists of changing into a sports bra and a pair of shorts. Usually on nights you couldn't sleep, you trek out to the small, hidden waterfall just off the Vongola mansion property to meditate. Sometimes meditation works, sometimes it doesn't. It's a hit or miss method, but you are willing to try anything to help you sleep. </p><p>To help you forget.</p><p>You grab your backpack and quietly make your way out of the Vongola residence. </p><p>If you really sit and digest everything, you know why you can't sleep. It's Gokudera. You should be over your unrequited love, but you aren't. In actuality, you're avoiding it. You don't want to think or acknowledge the situation or your questions. You don't want to know how he would react if you told him that you loved him. You don't want to know if he ever loved you. You don't want to think of a future that could have been.</p><p>You want the questions to leave you alone.</p><p>It only takes ten minutes for you to find yourself along the path that leads to the waterfall. The night air is refreshing, hinting at the upcoming season change from summer to fall. This time of year always reminds you of all the times you went camping with Gokudera, Yamamoto, and Tsuna back in the day. Well, calling it “camping” was an understatement, but Reborn's intentions were good.</p><p>Sort of.</p><p>Quiet murmuring beyond the trees catches you off guard, pulling you from your thoughts and bringing you to a halt. You take a few cautious steps forward and press yourself against a rather large tree along the walkway. It seems as though your presence is still unnoticed as the quiet voices continue. Mustering a few ounces of courage, you peek around the side of the tree and take a glance into the clearing.</p><p>Sitting there by the water's edge are Gokudera and Sylvia. </p><p>Your breath catches in your throat as you watch them. </p><p>The two of them are sitting side by side on the riverbank facing away from you. Her head is leaning against his shoulder while his head is lightly placed on hers. Though you can't see it, you can only assume that their hands are also intertwined as they gaze out at the scenery. </p><p>“It's so beautiful here. I'm glad you showed this to me,” you hear her say in a quiet voice.</p><p>“I thought you might like it,” is his response.</p><p>You feel betrayed.</p><p>Granted, this isn't private property and free for anyone to visit, but you can't help but feel your heart crack at the realization he has brought someone else here. This is <i>your</i> place that the two of <i>you</i> found together; where you share secrets and argue over Lambo's training and spend nights just watching the stars.</p><p>This is the place that held so many memories of just you and Gokudera.</p><p>You literally have to tear your gaze away to keep yourself from getting emotional. Even though the two of you share memories here, this place is as free for him as it is for you. Though, the technicalities of it still doesn't soothe the bleeding in your chest, and all you want to do is scream and run. You are still his <i>friend</i>, and that is all you will ever be to him.</p><p>A friend.</p><p>You slowly pull yourself away from the tree and quietly make your retreat back to the Vongola mansion. Your meditation for the evening—and probably forever—is canceled.</p><p>
  <b>
    <i>Messed around and got attached to you<br/>
Friends can break your heart too</i>
  </b>
</p><p>Despite your prior obligations to train Lambo this afternoon, you have to get out of the Vongola estate. You know that it's setting a bad example for you to ditch your lessons for the day, but you need a break. Finding a place of solitude in the Vongola mansion is nearly impossible. You need the chance to just let go of everything and unwind, which is why you are currently standing on the edge of a small but humble skating rink in town. </p><p>Back in middle school, you loved to dance and were particularly taken with figure skating. You competed in a few competitions during high school and even took a few college courses on choreography and dance styles. Everyone thought that you were going to join the Olympics or pursue a dancing career after high school.</p><p>Unfortunately, those dreams don't fit well with a mafia lifestyle. </p><p>Though you never made a career out of it, you still enjoy dancing and skating from time to time. It's a good way to keep in shape while expressing yourself. </p><p>You skate out to the center of the rink and take a starting position, waiting for your track music to start. Seeing you've been here quite a few times, the owners have kept a copy of your old routine music on file for you. It's a kind gesture that you appreciate. As the music starts, you feel your body move on reflex. You lose yourself in the routine, your movements in sync with the rhythm. It's so easy to forget where you are or what's around you when you're dancing. Sure, you enjoy dancing in the club with the bass bumping through your body, but dancing with fluidity on the ice is a completely different experience. </p><p>It's enthralling. </p><p>And it's one place that Gokudera could never have.</p><p>This is your passion. </p><p>Not his.</p><p>So entranced by your routine, you don't notice when two figures walk into the area and perch themselves on the rail around the rink.</p><p>“See? I told you she'd be here,” Yamamoto says cheerfully with his signature grin on his face.</p><p>“She ditched training today for ice skating? Lame,” Lambo replies, resting his cheek in his palm as he leans against the railing. </p><p>“Even (y/n) needs a break away from everything sometimes.” When Yamamoto speaks, he's talking to Lambo, but his eyes are watching you as you move around the rink. Your movements are fluid and perfectly align with the music. “Besides, have you ever watched her skate? It's pretty awesome.” </p><p>“Huh? It's just skating. What's so awesome about skating?” Lambo perks up at Yamamoto's comment, giving the swordsman a curious glance. </p><p>“Well, to (y/n) it's more than just skating. She dances. It's a passion she's had since before we met her. Not to mention she's pretty good at it.” As one song finishes, another one takes its place, and once more you're moving around the ice, performing twirls and jumps Yamamoto hasn't seen you do in years. </p><p>“Just watch.”</p><p>Lambo, deciding to humor his elder, turns back to the skate rink and watches you. Your outfit is different from what he's used to seeing you wear. Is it a performer's attire? It's a green dress that barely reaches down to the middle of your thighs and is trimmed in black. The long sleeves of the dress are a sheer black decorated with green rhinestones that shimmer with every turn you make. For a moment, he actually forgets that he's watching his mentor out on the ice. It's obvious that you love what you're doing. He doesn't recall a time ever seeing you so passionate about something.</p><p>“Wow...” Lambo whispers. But his whisper isn't so low that it gets past Yamamoto.</p><p>“Haha, that's what my first reaction was too,” Yamamoto says, letting out a soft chuckle. “Definitely not what you would expect from her.”</p><p>“Yeah, no kidding,” Lambo replies, pulling his gaze away from you to glance at Yamamoto from the corner of his eye. The swordsman is watching you with a softness to his features. He still has that goofy grin on his face like always, but the look on Yamamoto's face is reminiscent of one he's seen on your face in the past. Lambo averts his eyes back to the rink.</p><p>He's got a funny feeling about what that look means.</p><p>
  <b>
    <i>All alone I watch you watch her<br/>
She is the only thing you ever see</i>
  </b>
</p><p>Once the song finishes, you hear clapping from the sidelines. Immediately, you turn your head to see Yamamoto and Lambo giving you a round of applause. Slightly embarrassed, you roll your eyes and make your way over toward them, ignoring the next song that begins playing.</p><p>“What are you two doing here?” you ask, stopping just a few feet before the railing.</p><p>“Lambo was worried when you didn't show up for lessons this afternoon,” Yamamoto supplied, offering you a grin and shoving his thumb in Lambo's direction.</p><p>“I never said I was worried!” Lambo says defensively with a light dust of pink across his face. “I was just wondering where you went...” </p><p>“Sorry,” you apologize sheepishly, glancing off to the side for a moment before turning a curious glance to Yamamoto. “How did you find me here?”</p><p>“I remember you coming here pretty often after we moved to Italy,” Yamamoto supplied.</p><p>That caught you off guard. You didn't know that he paid that much attention to what you did back then, let alone remembered. You're surprised to say the least, though pleasantly so.</p><p>“Wow, I didn't know you knew. Though, I haven't really been able to come out here much lately,” you say as you kick forward and begin to skate backwards. Subconsciously, you begin to move to the beat of the song playing. You pause for a second before turning back to your audience. </p><p>“Why don't you two grab a pair of skates and join me?”</p><p>“Whaaa?! I can't do all that fancy stuff that you do!” Lambo exclaims, causing you to laugh heartily.</p><p>“No, silly. I mean just to come out here and skate. Just plain old, boring skating.”</p><p>Lambo seems hesitant, but Yamamoto quickly speaks up for him. “Sure thing! Give us a minute to grab some skates.”</p><p>“Go right through that door over there,” you say and point to the left. </p><p>“Great! Be back in a sec,” Yamamoto says and pulls Lambo with him through the side door. </p><p>While you wait, you sway to the music and continue skating across the rink. For the first time in a long while, you can actually say that your mind is at peace. You don't have restless thoughts of Gokudera or how you feel about him. Right now, it's just you and the music in harmony with each other. You hear the side door squeak open once more and glance in its general direction. Yamamoto seems pretty familiar with ice skating and adjusts quickly to the new texture, but it's obvious that Lambo is new to it. He's trying to balance like a baby learning to walk, an arm outstretched on either side of him to keep his balance. Feeling brave, Lambo attempts to take a step forward and loses balance, causing his arms to flail wildly at his sides before introducing his butt to the ice. You stop your skating and bend over laughing.</p><p>“What's so funny?!” Lambo squeaks up, clearly embarrassed at falling so soon after getting on the ice.</p><p>“Have you never skated before?” you inquire, skating smoothly toward the boy.</p><p>“Yes!...A few times...” Lambo says sheepishly as he attempts to stand. “I-Pin insists on skating every time we go back to Namimori during the winter.” </p><p>“So the answer is 'no',” you say flatly, crossing your arms and raising an eyebrow at the boy.</p><p>“Don't make fun of me!”</p><p>You laugh once more before beginning your ice skating lessons. For the next hour, you and Yamamoto teach—and laugh—at Lambo as he attempts to skate without assistance. Despite this being a basic lesson, you find it fun and enjoy poking at your pupil's clumsiness. Feeling giddy and caught up in the moment, you are once more oblivious to your new visitors. </p><p>“Ah, so this is where you three went.” </p><p>You turn toward the voice, a mirthful grin still on your face. Standing where Yamamoto and Lambo previously were an hour ago are Tsuna and Gokudera. Behind them is an entourage of girls consisting of Kyoko, Haru, I-Pin, and—to your horror—Sylvia. Since when is she part of the group?</p><p>“Hahi! (y/n)! Is that one of your old competition dresses?” Haru asks, leaning against the railing and practically halfway over the ice. You grin at the girl and do a cute spin, flaring out the skirt of your dress.</p><p>“It is. Do you like it?” You have always liked Haru. Her eccentricity always has a way of brightening your day. She's also your cosplaying buddy, much to Tsuna's horror and Reborn's delight. </p><p>“It's beautiful!” Haru says with enthusiasm. </p><p>“We came here looking for (y/n). Lambo was worried when she didn't show up for afternoon lessons,” Yamamoto says to Tsuna, offering his boss and old friend a sheepish grin.</p><p>“I said I wasn't worried!” Lambo yells before making contact with the ice...again.</p><p>
  <b>
    <i>How is it you never notice</i>
  </b>
</p><p>“Oh, that's what happened,” Tsuna replies, give the two of you a gentle smile. “I thought something more serious happened.”</p><p>“Sorry...I just needed to step out to clear my head for a while,” you say, looking away shyly. You didn't like worrying Tsuna without reason. He has enough on his plate already without having to worry about everyone else.</p><p>“No harm done, so don't worry about it,” Tsuna says, giving a dismissive wave of his hand.</p><p>“So what brings all of you here? Surely you aren't all just going out for a leisurely stroll?” you inquire, tilting your head to the side for emphasis. </p><p>Tsuna laughs sheepishly as he responds, “Well, it actually started out with just the two of us looking for Yamamoto.”</p><p>“And we were out showing Sylvia this new patisserie shop that opened in town!” Haru supplies. </p><p>“I was kind of curious about the new shop myself, so I tagged along,” I-Pin adds. </p><p>“Then we bumped into the girls, and they insisted that they came too,” Gokudera says with a hint of annoyance. Even in high school, he couldn't stand groups of girls following him around.</p><p>Tsuna sighs, clearly defeated. This is obviously not the trip he anticipated. </p><p>“Ne, ne! (y/n), can we skate, too? It's been ages since we were last able to,” Haru asks, hope in her eyes for a positive response. Come on, Haru, how can you do this? She knows good and well that you can't tell her no...</p><p>“I suppose so...” you murmur quietly, turning your back toward the group and slowly skate toward Lambo. Obviously, your response isn't too quiet for Haru's supersonic hearing. </p><p>“Yippee! Thank you, (y/n)!” Haru shouts as she pulls Kyoko by the arm toward the side door. </p><p>“W-wait. Haru--” Tsuna's plea is effectively cut off as I-Pin and Sylvia follow after Haru. Tsuna sighs once more.</p><p>“Come on, Tenth. You know there's no use arguing with them,” Gokudera says and begrudgingly makes his way to the side door.</p><p>“I know but...” Tsuna glances at you helping Lambo stand. The bright smile once on your face is now gone. He says a silent apology as he follows after the bomber. </p><p>“Looks like your girlfriend is going to insist that you skate some more.” You can't help but rile the young boy up. “However, maybe you can actually impress her with your new skating skills.”</p><p>“You have all the jokes today, don't you,” Lambo says, grumbling incoherently under his breath.</p><p>You chuckle softly, “Sorry.”</p><p>By the time everyone makes their way out to the rink, your track music has already restarted. You don't dare skate like you normally would to the music—there are way too many people in the rink for you to pull off high speeds and jumps. Instead, you settle for some of your more subdued moves like skating backwards and a few twirls here and there. Haru and Kyoko applaud you on your mild performance.</p><p>You casually skate around the rink with Kyoko and Haru, not paying much attention to their conversation. You offer a brief laugh or a quick answer if they ask you a question. Your mind is elsewhere. Not even an hour ago, you were having the time of your life without a care in the world. In only a matter of minutes, your euphoria came crashing down. Across the rink, you can see Gokudera aiding Sylvia as she learns to ice skate. </p><p>Why?</p><p>Why couldn't you have this <i>one</i> thing?</p><p>You try to distract yourself by skating backwards to face the girls and listen to their conversation.</p><p>“I wish I could see one of your old routines again, (y/n). They were so beautiful!” Kyoko says with a sweet smile.</p><p>“Me too! I only got to see two of your performances, but I wish that I could have seen all of them!” Haru adds enthusiastically.</p><p>“Unfortunately, there are too many people in here for me to perform properly, so maybe next time,” you say.</p><p>“But (y/n), you're so good at figure skating. Why didn't you join the Olympics? I remember you saying in high school that it was a dream of yours. So why haven't you gone?” Kyoko asks with genuine curiosity.</p><p>You offer her a sad smile. “There's just no time to devote to it. I had to make a choice between dreams or loyalty. Tsuna still argues that I made a terrible choice, but that's not for him to decide.”</p><p>The girls look at you sadly.</p><p>“Please, don't worry about it. I don't regret my decision. Besides, I still have fun doing figure skating in my free time. I still choreograph routines. Tell you what, I'll bring you two with me the next time I come here. Deal?” </p><p>“Deal!” both girls reply in unison. </p><p>Unbeknownst to you, Gokudera is in the center of the rink, urging for Sylvia to skate toward him. Hesitantly, she pushes herself away from the railing and takes small steps toward Gokudera. </p><p>“(y/n)! Look out!” Haru shouts, immediately grabbing your attention. </p><p>You turn as quick as you can to see that you are about to collide with Sylvia. You try your hardest to avoid a collision, but at your momentum, it's going to be impossible. With some weird angling, you manage to avoid hitting her body, but your skate catches on hers, effectively catching you both off balance. Sylvia falls on her hands and knees with a small “oof.” You, on the other hand, try to correct yourself but end up landing on your left skate weirdly and skid across the ice. </p><p>Pain surges in two places. You feel a light throb in your ankle and a heavy sting on your elbow. You sit up and place your right hand over your elbow. You don't need to look at it to know that it's bleeding. </p><p>“Oh my gosh! Are you okay?!” Kyoko asks, kneeling beside you and offering you her handkerchief. </p><p>You wordlessly accept the piece of cloth and hold it against your elbow. It's not a serious wound, but right now it's the only thing that gets your undivided attention. </p><p>“Oi! You know there are inexperienced people here. You should be watching where you're going,” Gokudera huffs, helping Sylvia back to a standing position. </p><p>“Gokudera! Don't be so rude! After all, we were the ones to insist on skating in the first place,” Haru retorts angrily, crossing her arms and glaring at Gokudera.</p><p>You don't bother to respond to their banter. As a matter of fact, you don't bother to look up either. You ignore the growing crowd around you and attempt to stand.</p><p>
  <b>
    <i>That you are slowly killing me?</i>
  </b>
</p><p>“(y/n), do you need help?” Yamamoto asks, kneeling beside you. You don't respond as you pull your weight up on your good leg. Unfortunately, as soon as you attempt to put weight on your other leg, a shooting pain courses through your ankle. You gasp and feel you're about to fall again, but that impact never comes. Yamamoto's arm is wrapped around your shoulder, keeping you from falling over. </p><p>“I take that as a 'yes',” he says quietly, just loud enough for you to hear. “Hey guys, I'm going to help (y/n) look for a first aid kit around here. You guys should probably go ahead and head back. We'll head back as soon as we get her patched up.”</p><p>Before anyone has a chance to respond, Yamamoto is already bending over and hooking his arm below your knees. You don't protest as he makes his way off the icy floor. Instead, you lean your head against his shoulder in an attempt to cut off your view of the world. There's a silence between the two of you as Yamamoto makes his way through the corridor looking for the changing rooms, but you don't mind. In fact, you prefer it.</p><p>You don't know if you can trust your voice.</p><p>“Ah, here we go,” Yamamoto says aloud as he enters one of the changing rooms. Gently, he sets you down on a nearby bench and reaches for the first aid kit attached to the wall. You keep your gaze downcast.</p><p>All you want is one place of sanctity—one place where the memories aren't haunting you.</p><p>Are you not even allowed that?</p><p>“Now let's take a look at your elbow,” Yamamoto says and gently lifts your arm, not at all bothered by your lack of response and begins doctoring you.</p><p>As if releasing a dam, the emotions you have been running away from come crashing into you.</p><p>The anger. The confusion. The despair. The longing. The hate.</p><p>You clench your fist around the bloodstained handkerchief in your hand as you try to fight back the tears. You take deep, shuddering breaths to try and calm yourself. Despite your best efforts, hot tears stream down your face.</p><p>“Aww, your pretty dress is--” Yamamoto's tone instantly changes from lighthearted to concerned. “(y/n), what's wrong?”</p><p>“I-it's not fair.” You reach up to wipe the tears away from your eyes. “It's not fair at all. I never asked for this. I don't even know how I fell in love with him to begin with. The thought had never crossed my mind. He always argues with me and is rude and mean and always throws a fit when he doesn't get his way.”</p><p>Yamamoto listens quietly as you continue your rant. Without even asking, he already knows you're referring to Gokudera.</p><p>“But then that <i>girl</i> came along and changed everything. He started spending more time with her, and I felt jealous. I don't even know <i>why</i> I felt jealous. It's not like he belonged to me or anything. Then I began to regret never telling him how I felt and hated myself for it. I just want to forget I ever felt anything and move on with my life. Everywhere I turn, there he is with her—smiling and happy while I'm dying inside.”</p><p>You bury your face into your hands and sob. </p><p>“I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so confused on what I'm supposed to do—how I'm supposed to feel. I can't leave, but it hurts to stay. I can't just tell him how I feel because he's so <i>happy</i> with her—I don't have the right to take that away from him. He deserves to be happy just as much as I do. But I don't know how to get past this.”</p><p>On instinct, Yamamoto pulls you into an embrace, wrapping your hunched form in his arms. Honestly, he has never been good at comforting girls when they cry, but right in that moment you just look so <i>heartbroken</i>. His own heart aches as you continue crying.</p><p>You reflexively latch onto Yamamoto's shirt and cry into his shoulder. “I just wanted one place without a memory of him. Is that too much to ask? This is the first time in months I've actually been <i>happy</i> and had fun and could just <i>forget</i>. Why couldn't I have that one thing?”</p><p>The only sound in the room is your quiet crying. A few, long moments pass before Yamamoto speaks.</p><p>“(y/n)...why don't you go back to figure skating?”</p><p>You pause in your crying, caught off guard by his sudden question. </p><p>“Are you crazy?” You look up at him with tear stained cheeks, your brows furrowed. “You know I can't do that. I swore loyalty to--”</p><p>“And I understand that,” Yamamoto says gently as he brushes his hand against your cheek. “I don't mean forever. Just for a little while.”</p><p>The intimacy Yamamoto shows you catches you off guard.</p><p>“To me, it sounds like you need space and time to get your thoughts together. You even said yourself that you can't stay. Given the circumstances, I'm sure Tsuna wouldn't mind letting you take a break. Even he would agree that it's heartbreaking to watch you beat yourself up over something like this.”</p><p>Your breath hitches as you feel a fresh set of tears sting your eyes. </p><p>“Please don't cry.” Yamamoto closes his eyes and lightly presses his forehead against yours. </p><p>Despite his plea, a fresh stream of tears flow down your face. But unlike your previous tears, these are different.</p><p>Relief. Contentment. Comfort.</p><p>Realizing that you no longer have to bear this burden alone.</p><p>That you can just let go.</p><p>
  <b>
    <i>You want her, you need her<br/>
And I will never be her</i>
  </b>
</p>
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